Don’t you hate it when you leave a confrontation and later think of all the witty retorts you could have made? I’ve been mulling over two situations that recently arose and what would have been the best way to handle them. They are of differing egregiousness, but they both raise the question of proper response.
Situation 1: I have a friend in Texas who’s of Hispanic heritage. He owns a house with his wife and two kids. He told me that often when he’s out mowing the lawn white people will pull over and ask him—in slow, enunciated English—how much he charges for yard work. I am appalled by this but not shocked, and mostly I am flummoxed to think of a funny response that could put these people in their place. Any ideas?
Situation 2: A female friend of mine was on the subway after work the other day. She had her iPod earphones in but not on, so she was able to hear a conversation between two fashion snobs nearby as they critiqued her outfit. “Look at those shoes! Oh my god.” “Is that a run in her stocking?” “And check out that hideous tote bag!”
In both cases my friends took they high road because they are sweet people, and either ignored the imbeciles or responded in a friendly, understanding way. But that’s no fun. I’d like to hear what you think would be the best rejoinders to have made in their place. It's good practice for the next time you're in a situation so offensive as to leave you speechless.
Situation 1: I have a friend in Texas who’s of Hispanic heritage. He owns a house with his wife and two kids. He told me that often when he’s out mowing the lawn white people will pull over and ask him—in slow, enunciated English—how much he charges for yard work. I am appalled by this but not shocked, and mostly I am flummoxed to think of a funny response that could put these people in their place. Any ideas?
Situation 2: A female friend of mine was on the subway after work the other day. She had her iPod earphones in but not on, so she was able to hear a conversation between two fashion snobs nearby as they critiqued her outfit. “Look at those shoes! Oh my god.” “Is that a run in her stocking?” “And check out that hideous tote bag!”In both cases my friends took they high road because they are sweet people, and either ignored the imbeciles or responded in a friendly, understanding way. But that’s no fun. I’d like to hear what you think would be the best rejoinders to have made in their place. It's good practice for the next time you're in a situation so offensive as to leave you speechless.
16 comments:
"I don't know, man. If you really need the exercise, I guess I'll let you cut the lawn for fifteen, but if I have to go after you and clean up spots you missed, it's going to cost you twenty-five."
Situation 1: "Oh, I'm not mowing a lawn. This used to be a prize-winning rose garden. It belonged to a guy who insulted my Latin American heritage. What did you say your address was, again?"
Matt's comment is awesome!
Once, I passed by two completely dorky, unattractive guys sitting on a bench who were saying numbers to each other. At first, I had no idea what they were talking about. Three? Eight? What the hell?? Then I walked by. They said "six." Then I knew what was going on. They were rating the girls who walked by them. These guys, in my opinion were zeros. And yes, that number would still stand even if they had rated me a ten.
All I was able to do was shoot them a dirty look, which doesn't sound very threatening, but I've been told that my face is an open book (ask Dennis), and therefore I'm assuming that if I felt like thunder, my face probably looked like thunder. Hopefully, they knew I was on to them. The Expletives!
Situation 2: People don't spit on each other like they used to. I say we bring it back. It's quick, emphatic, and relatively harmless, but it says so much.
Ha! Yeah, spit would really get the point across.
All of you are so witty and hilarious, I wish you would all visit Portland so I could meet you! The internet is weird.
L'esprit de l'escalier!
It's probably my favorite French term.
1) "Lo siento. No comprendo ingles pero tu sombrero parece estupido."
2) "Fuck you. You're both fat."
Or, the all-purpose, "The jerk store called and they're running out of you."
"L'esprit de l'escalier!"
Holy crap, I did not know there was a word for this phenomenon. Leave it to Diderot.
Matt's and Brian's are both good for #1. Also, for #2, Brian is right to suggest the spit, but realize that the spit works best when done girl to girl. It's more surprising.
For Laura's situation she could have turned to the guys and flipped off the first guy and said "one" and used two hands to flip off the second guy and said "two." Or "eleven" if he was really hot.
I don't know. You should do a poll.
I probably just should have spit. Especially if I had been getting over a cold (heh!).
Yes, that would make a good poll. "If in x situation would you..."
A. Matt's Answer
B. Brian's Answer #1
C. Brian's answer #2
Etc.
Carolyn, I think Eric just wrote your next poll for you.
Ech, the poll question would be too long. Plus, I'm still holding out for more witty rejoinders.
For the fashion situation I like something involving "People in glass houses..."
And for the lawn mowing maybe "Well, my wife is paying me in the bedroom for doing this, but you look pretty cute, too, sweetheart, so many we can work something out."
All right, since Carrie is "still holding out for more witty rejoinders" let me rip-off part of Brian's answer to situation 1 to create a response:
"Oh, I'm not mowing a lawn. This used to be a pile of racist assholes who asked how much I charge for yard work. Does that answer your question, or should I say it a little slower in case your English isn't so good?"
Very nice, Eric!
andy: what in the world does "l'esprit de l'escalier" mean? is this one of those like "zoot" that disappeared with the 70s?
--aimes
http://en.wikipedia.org/
wiki/L%27esprit_d%27escalier
By the way, I hope I'm not the only one who sings the title of this post in Dave Matthews style
Funny stuff. I just about died when I read the beginning of the story about the yard work. Of course you cannot say things like that to people because there are always exceptions and people are different, however, that being said, here in Washington County Oregon there are tens of thousands of Mexicans and if you stopped and talked to random men, the chances that they DO work in landscaping, nurseries, orchards, etc. would be extremely high. I would also like to point out that most of the landscapers around here make more money than I do so it is not much of an insult really. Also I use the term "Mexican" because that is what most of the "Hispanic" people here are, and they are proud of it. There have been many protests around here lately including many with signs that say "Oregon was our ours first and we are taking it back".
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