On the suggestion of Michael Showalter, a comedian I saw perform this weekend*, I watched some of “The Bachelor: London Calling” last night. And wow…these women are real pieces of work, as someone’s granddad would say.What must the audition questions for this show be like?
“Are you capable of sustaining conversation for weeks on end about nothing but your romantic feelings toward some bloke you just met?”
“Are you okay playing tonsil tennis with a guy who’s still wearing lipstick from the last two girls he smooched?”
“Do you have dark roots and a fake bake?
“Can you cry at the drop of the hat because you’re the only ‘real’ one and you’re not getting any attention?”
“Can you fire catty, sixth-grade-level barbs at any other contestant who flirts with ‘your man’?”
“Do you feel being a hot-dog vendor or Lorenzo Lamas’s daughter makes you perfect wife material?
“Can you continuously imbibe glassfuls of white wine in order to maintain the weepy honesty factor without falling off your 5-inch stilettos?”
“Do you look used far beyond your 22 years?”
“Great, you’re in!”
* Michael Showalter makes my insides smile. I’m plotting to ambush him at his home in Brooklyn to watch next week’s “Bachelor,” which would thoroughly up the entertainment factor.
6 comments:
During my senior year of college, my roommate would offer to brush and play with my hair FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR so that I would watch 'the bachelor' with her. (She felt pathetic watching it alone for some reason.)
And I am such slut that I would usually do it!
p.s. Showalter=rad!
I'm amazed they can still find enough 20-something women who AREN'T aware of the ridicule and irony that go along with a show like The Bachelor. These women actually say the biggest cliches in reality TV history with a straight face. Have they been living under a giant fluffy pillow for 23 years?
This, Carolyn, is why you would be the first woman to lose on The Bachelor.
P.S. Remember when we talked to Ben and Jonathan about filming a low-budget movie by showing up at house parties and having Ben approach women AS IF he was on a reality TV dating show? Like pulling them into dark rooms in the middle of a party and going, "Look, I know we both want this to work, but I need to see a bit more personality if you're going to stick around." And the girl would have NO IDEA she was supposed to be competing for his affections? Yeah. That was a wicked badass idea. "The Hipster Who Thought He Was On A Reality TV Dating Show."
Carolyn wouldn't be on The Bachelor in the first place. I think one of the requirements for the show is that contestants must be either complete airheads or have only a smidgen of intelligence. None of us meet that requirement, or we wouldn't have such interesting conversations when we all get together. :)
Brian, please tell me you all haven't abandoned your idea for a reality dating show! That sounds wicked awesome.
Thanks, Shawna!
Yeah, the other night Brian said I would be the first person to be kicked off "The Bachelor" and I was highly offended. He meant it in a good way, like I'm too cerebral to play along with their stupid game, but I felt my hotness was being insulted.
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