Apparel for America

In lieu of comprehensive analysis of last night’s presidential primary debates in New Hampshire, I’d like to focus on a crucial and much-overlooked element: The Tie.

You know these men (and their staffers) put as much thought into their appearance as they do into their talking points. I hear Mitt Romney’s coiffure takes three special hairstyling gnomes five hours to get it just that lofty and windproof. So let’s peer a little more closely to see what messages these men were sending with their neckwear.

First, not one of the six Republican candidates was wearing red. Their ties were all shades of blue. I thought red had good, all-American associations, like “red-blooded” and “redneck.” I guess maybe it still connotes “Communist” to these fine fellows.

Now, on to the list.

Mike Huckabee: Impeccable navy tie with small polka-dots. This guy is unflappable and his debate armor fittingly had no chinks in it.

Rudy Giuliani: Fancy-schmancy, well-pressed suit with snazzy monochromatic tie. Could not have looked more New York if he tried. Of course, his flag lapel pin was meant to remind us for the Nth time that he was the savior on Sept. 11. (“9/11! Don’t forget my glory on 9/11!” it screams.)

Ron Paul: Poor Ron Paul. He often makes the most sense of anyone and they just gang up on him. With his jacket unbuttoned and a pen stuck awkwardly in a shirt pocket, he looked like a philosophy professor who accidently stumbled into this den of slicksters. The multi-colored, disco-stripe tie didn’t help matters.

Fred Thompson: A lovely tie with lavender and dark blue diagonal stripes, but the knot was too large and the whole thing was askew. I imagine some staffer haphazardly tying it for him backstage, knowing that no matter what he did, Thompson would still look like a pissed-off hound-dog.

Mitt Romney: Were those fish scales on his tie? Dancing ocean waves? I was for once so mesmerized by his neckwear that I was distracted from what a despicable schmuck he is. (I can say that because he was my governor in Massachusetts. Jerk.)

John McCain: McCain, who I wish was my great-uncle, managed to find a suit blacker than the depths of a Vietnamese POW camp. I’m serious, it was so black I looked into it and saw another dimension. Pretty light-blue tie, though, like a sunny sky. Very celestial, this John McCain. Too bad he’s too reasonable to win.

As for the Democrats, by this point in the evening I was too fed up with the petty squabbling to pay much attention. I will say that Hillary gets a special prize for not wearing blue OR red, which I thought were the only colors allowed candidates by the American people. She got all crazy on us and wore emerald green. See, she’s not about the status quo. She’s the candidate of change! Riiiight.